The Nyab Series: Teen Wives
For a long time, we've wondered how other nyabs (daughter-in-laws) felt. If you are a girl, then most likely you grew up with expectations and were raised to be a wife. A huge part of our culture identity as women were to become great wives someday. So as young girls, you were learning the duties of a homemaker. When we dreamed up The Story Cloth Shop, we wanted to hear what other people had to say. We wanted to allow fellow brothers and sisters to speak up and share how they truly felt. This series was birthed out of the desire to know and better understand how nyabs feel across the board.
Every nyab's experience is different. Because we are all collectively different and unique people, responses will be different as well. We did not include names to keep the identities of these young and brave nyab's confidential. What matters most is that they were open to sharing their own experiences and we want to share them here for you to know (if you're a nyab), that you're not alone.
This week, we share with you interviews we did with 2 young nyabs (teen wives). Maybe your response is alot like theirs or maybe not.
If you're a nyab, what have your experiences been like? Please contact us if you want to be included in The Nyab Series. We'd love to hear different perspectives and experiences.
Photographs credit to Hive Mind
Read More
I got married when I was 27 years old. I was done with college & started working full time. My husband was 37 years old, has a house & works at a good paying company. We’ve been married for 6 years. Have 5 beautiful children. My husband was a menyuam Nstuag. No parents, father passed away when he was 2-3 yrs old. His mother eventually got remarried. His mother wasn’t in his life in his younger years but eventually came back to live with my husband & his siblings until the day she rested in peace. Anyway, It may seem ironic for me to say this & you guys may think I’m crazy but at times I wish I had parents in law. I do at times want to be called “Nyab”. That I am apart of the family. Don’t get me wrong, my siblings in laws are awesome & the family loves me very much. I am forever grateful to be married into a loving & accepting family. Yes, I hear stories about mean & strict in laws but I think of my children, I really wish they gave grandparents around. So they can enjoy the unconditional love from them. Being able to enjoy those irreplaceable moments of young & old people. I heard stories all the time about my mother in law & how she was one of the kind & nice person to everyone. And everyone still speaks very nice about her.
On another note about living up to the standard of being a “Nyab” in America, you can only go do much until you crash. You just do the best you can because in the end, it’s you & your little family.
Is this why some Hmong Women want to marry Non-Hmong men?
The concept of a being a “nyab” scares me greatly from what I’ve seen as a young girl. That is probably one of the reasons why I chose to not get marry until my late 20s, and even now as a Nyab myself, I still struggle with this concept. Often time our society has this idealism of what it means to be a “good nyab,” and when this is not met, we struggle. My grandmother once told be that being a nyab was a difficult task, and she said even if you were the perfect one, always in the kitchen, you will never be good enough for your in-laws. She understood the difficulties of being a Nyab, but ironically, when it came for her turn to be a MIL with a DIL, let’s just say she wasn’t as understanding. This brings me to a realization that perhaps us women are hard on ourselves, and we let this idealism of the “perfect Nyab” survive because we women continue to perpetuate and practice it. The perpetuation of this cycle is quite disheartening since I’ve experienced it as well. For example, my husband’s sisters are all married and experience the hardship of being a “nyab.” They often vent to the family about their in-laws and the difficulties of being a Nyab, but then they turn around and treat their Nyab’s with the same treatment they’re receiving. It’s almost laughable if I think about it long enough… It’s laughable that as women we do this unto ourselves. Like previous people in the comments indicate though, this is a new generation, and I believe we women should reshape the definition of what it means to be a Nyab. It should not replace who we are, and our identity. It can be another role we take on, but we should not lose our name, our identity, our pride, and our self in the process. I am lucky in the sense that I am able to express my concerns with my Husband, and we communicate really well. I hope that I can be braver and have this conversation with my SIL’s in the future so that we can see the irony in our actions, and stop this endless perpetuation of idealizing the perfect “Nyab.”
Being a nyab is extremely difficult depending on the family you married into. I’ve been a nyab for over 10 years and I still do not like/approve of the expectations. The saddest thing about the whole situation is when your husband’s siblings think they can lecture you about the things they believe you’re not doing for their parents. But, the things they lecture you about, they aren’t doing for their own in-laws themselves or they go through the same experiences and yet lecture you about the things they complain about themselves. It’s really sad and heart breaking. My values is completely different from the values elders have towards us Hmong nyabs. I will never have that expectation on my own nyabs because I too, know how it felt. Everyone always say to “ua siab ntev” but patience only goes so far before you explode. I told myself that I will not be the nyab the culture expects and want. I am going to be different. I am going to establish my own identity and independence. I will stand my ground. Do not allow your in-laws to condemn you, put you down, do not allow them to be condescending towards you. Defend and speak up for yourself because we all know that in the end, our husband’s won’t defend us when his family attacks us. Don’t allow yourself to be treated that way.
Being a nyab is tough. I hated it, the responsibility to obey and be obedient is just not who I am. I refuse to be that role model for my daughters, because those things makes me feel like I do not have pride for myself and it makes me feel voiceless. I am not my husband shadow. My success is not his doing and his success is not mines. Being a nyab took a tow in my marriage, we always fought bc I had to be like this and that. But I held my ground and refused to be molded, I am my own woman. We had a lot of communication problems which took yrs to resolve, but we are in a good space. When I was living with his family after marriage, we got into a lot of arguements the best advice I received was “move out, if you move out and you stop having issues then it was the in laws. If you move out and your still arguing then the problem is you two.” Well we moved out, and we are better then ever. Being in a marriage you have to protect and defend each other, have face for each other. And it was hard bc being a nyab your moving to a new family, and your learning and your being criticized every move you make, but if you have a good support system (your husband) you will learn and he will have your back. I became a better nyab when my husband was able to have my back.