Dating Series: Nothing Is Real
How old are you?
Do you date older/younger/ age is just a number?
Both. I date anywhere from 21 years old to 45 years old men. The younger ones have more stamina in bed.
How do you meet people?
I try to meet them randomly, at a party or a gathering. With the Internet, I feel like it’s not genuine because you can pretend to be whatever you want. Dating on the internet could be very blinding. It’s difficult for me to trust people online. Everyone has a façade on Facebook. I’m used to just being with friends and family so I’m less trusting. It has created a wall for me.
Are you open to dating other races?
I have dated other races (Caucasian and Mexican). I’m open to everything. I’m more attracted to Hmong men, but I’m open to the rest of the world as well.
What do you look for in a partner?
I used to look for skinny, tall, popular and nice jawline. But now I just want someone who treats me good and eats me out (laughs). I definitely prefer someone taller than 5’6’’ as far as height goes.
Now that I’m older I feel like I’m much pickier. It’s gotten a lot more complicated. I’m not going to say credit score or anything like that, but at this age, what we are looking for is someone to grow old with. It’s so different from when I was in high school.
For me, it’s like, "do we argue well together?” If we get into a dispute, are we able to resolve our dispute in a good manner? Knowing each other’s love language is important when you need to be there for each other. If he likes to go on vacations, then we can do that. If I like compliments, then he should know that about me as well.
I also want to know that I can feel secure and a sense peace in my relationship. I want to know that he's faithful and I don't have to worry about him. I think it’s important for both people to feel secure.
Since my family is important to me, he needs to be able to interact with my family.
At this point in time, I’m ready for someone who wants to settle down and wants children. My clock is ticking. I don’t have time to beat around the bush anymore.
What are things that turn you off about a partner?
A partner that doesn’t validate your feelings or your state of mind, like when they tell you that you are stupid for thinking that or that you’re lying. When they gaslight you it makes you feel crazy.
Someone who lacks life experience is a turnoff. They don’t know how to have feelings towards certain things or situations, and it leaves you feeling even more empty inside.
If they don’t have manners or chivalry. Because Hmong people have so many rules, if the person doesn’t know that or follow that, it’s just plain embarrassing. Even Hmong men raised here don’t know some of the Hmong rules so that’s a turnoff! I definitely want my partner to know Hmong culture and traditions. Traditional Hmong men are good cooks I’d say. The new ones don’t know how to do things for themselves even. It kind of got lost with the new generation.
There are other small things that turn me off like if they eat with their mouths open. It's like, didn't their mom teach them manners?
How do you attract a partner? What types of things do you do to attract partners?
I’m very social so it’s not hard for me to talk to people. I make myself available to talk to people. You can’t look stuck up. In the past, I didn’t know how to interact with guys. Now I try to look more approachable, and not excluding myself from the conversations.
If I like the guy, I make a point to go up to him and let him know that he looks good. And then I’ll tug up on his shirt, and compliment him or pull him a little closer.
If it’s online, I’ll try to leave a cute message for him here and there.
I only show them enough attention that they show me. If they show me attention, I’ll message them back letting them know that even if I’m busy, I still have time to message them back.
What are the struggles with dating right now?
There’s so much distractions on social media. On social media, there’s too many filters and you don’t really know what people look like.
Even if you’re FB friends, when you see people in real life, they don’t say hi to me. If people are fake, I don’t want to get to know them. I think hiding behind the computer has stunted us from being social in real life. It also prevents people from meeting in real life.
Men are less committed now because there are so many options on social media. There are so many distractions and I just feel like nothing is real. People can break up with their girlfriend and start texting me the next day. No thank you!
What does it mean when you are “talking” to someone?
Talking to someone means you’re talking to someone. Not exclusively, but you’re going on dates. I would say it's 3 months of consistent talking. But if you sleep with me within those 3 months, you’re my man. I don't care what anyone says. (laughs)
What’s your definition of dating?
An exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend means we are romantically involved, and we only see each other. I’m cooking for you, you’re cooking for me, that type of thing. We're going on dates, sleeping over at each other's places, etc.
What's the best date you've been on?
The best date I've been on is probably with my ex-boyfriend. He wanted to build a bonfire for me. He took me to this piece of land that he had and built me a bonfire and we sat underneath the stars, and ate and hung out. The thought was so cute. He had a table, and alcohol and everything set up. He had his maids bring the food out. It was really thought out, like a movie.
What's the worst date you've been on?
I never had a bad one. But I think it was the timing of it. I kind of made it a double date, and we met up and I wasn’t attracted to him and so when we went to the pool hall, he just was not my type. Everything he did was just annoying to me. He was poking me and it was just annoying. I told him to stop, and he kept poking me. It was disappointing to see how immature he was.
Who is the one person that you have been in a relationship that has made an impression on you?
I was with someone who was recently divorced. I feel like my eyes are so much more open to what it is to be a single parent. I’ve been so selfish my entire upbringing. I had never been with a single father so sometimes he would have to do stuff for his children, and I realized that it was important to him.
I never thought of having someone who had kids, so it really made me appreciate what a single father has to go through in the dating world. He not only had to find time for his kids but also for me. I gave him a lot of time for his kids, but I just learned that I was too selfish, and I wanted more time with him during the beginning of the relationship. And at the same time, I didn’t want to share him yet.
I cared for him so much that I knew I wanted him to be with someone who could love him completely. I would never ever want to change what I learned from that relationship. Now I try to be more calm and empathetic of my partner. What I learned from that relationship was that I was simply hot tempered and selfish. I felt like I was stopping my whole world for him, but he couldn’t stop his whole world for me because he had other priorities.
So, if there was one thing he taught me it was patience. I’ve also learned that if he loves you, he will let you live your life, and when you see each other, you will complement each other making it that much better.
In my next relationship, I’m going to just relax, and when the right one comes, he’ll let me live my life. We only dated four months, but I learned so much in those four months.
When you are dating, do you date for fun, for marriage, long term? Why?
It depends on the person. If it’s someone that I don’t see a future with, I will date them for fun. But I’m ready for marriage.
If someone wants to take me out for dinner, I wouldn't say no. You can't be closed off. He may not be the one, but he may become a god friend.
How important is it that your parents/family/friends like your boyfriend?
Before, it was a big thing. Everyone had to like him. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that I love him. You have to be selfish and don’t care about what other people think. At the end of the day, he’s married to me. And if he's awesome enough to be with me, I'm for sure he'd also love my family as well.
How long before you introduce the person you’re dating to your family, friends, etc.?
Sometimes, I would do it too soon. So I would say make sure you are for sure going to marry him before you introduce him to your family. 3 months maybe?
How important is sex in a relationship?
Sex matters. If the sex is horrible, then you can’t force yourself to be in love with that person. We’re too old for you to be starting from scratch. Foreplay matters. Men should be able to go down on a woman. Women should know how to go down on a man too. If the foreplay isn’t good, the sex will be boring. If you’re experienced, and he doesn’t know how to foreplay, his sex will be bad too. It’s the full packaged experience. If his kissing is weak, his sex will be weak too. PERIOD. Casual sex is fine as long as you’re both clean and protected. One-night stands are fine as long as you're both consenting. If you want to be with someone, go ahead.
What features turn you on about a man?
The things that turns me on about a man is if they nice calves and muscular legs. If their legs are smaller than mine, it’s kind of a turn off. I like a guy with a chest. I want to sleep on a fluffy pillow. I like nice arms. I was so used to little guys so now I love having nice arms. I want to feel smaller than them. I want him to be the man, I want to feel safe around him. After I dated someone who was big and husky, I never wanted to be with someone skinny ever again.
My favorite position is on top because I can control when I come, and I feel dominant on top of them. If they lift me up on a windowsill or on a sink, or on a wall, I like that. Role play is good. I wouldn't mind pretending that he's delivering pizza or robbing me for some sex.
Sometimes Hmong men aren’t as expressive of their sexuality so it keeps them sheltered and boxed in so I would encourage them to be more spontaneous or being open to using a sex toy or something. It keeps the relationship alive. Be more open to new experiences, communication is key, and be very open with your sexuality. Some of the Hmong men don’t even want to have phone sex or they aren’t as open to it. Try to be a little more experimental. Know your limit but know your worth too.
Any other thoughts do you have on dating?
Just because we have a title or ambitious does not mean we like boring sex. I would encourage men to approach women who are more ambitious because we’re just normal too.
We hope you enjoyed this series! Look out next month for our next dating series.
- The Story Cloth Shop Team