The Dating Series: Sex Is Important

This is our third story of the Dating Series. In this story, our dater shares about the chase, and how important sex is in a relationship.

1. How old are you?

35

2. Do you date older/younger/age is just a number?

I am open to date 21+. Age is definitely just a number but it's a good tool used to measure maturity and personal growth. I understand there are older people with less experience/maturity than some younger folks but...yeah.

3. How do you meet people to date? Dating app? Through friends? Clubs?

I meet people through references by family and friends. I've tried Match.com, EastMeetsEaste, Facebook dating, and just about everything else out there. I've been to Minnesota for a dating event and traveled to a Facebook singles group get together. I am open to everything except going to Laos. If we are counting experiences as a whole, it's been through the workplace as well as bars in the younger days. I was never a club guy unless you count strip clubs but those girls don't count as they are usually there for just taking money but it's a good confidence builder for younger guys or guys who lack it.

4. What do you look for in a partner?

Taller than 5'3''. LOL.

This is where I often get labeled as being too picky. There's obviously a checklist for most, and the first on my list is attraction. Whether it be online or in person, what goes through my head is, would I sleep with the individual when I see them. I hope I'm not the only one who thinks like this, but that's the very surface judgement aspect of it. After attraction is intelligence. I can't see myself with someone who can't think intelligently. Intelligence also makes up for what one might be lacking in the visual or physical aspect to me. At the end of the day, I'd say I would take a smart average or maybe even below average looking girl over a stupid cute or hot girl. Life is about balance, right?

I'm often told that I think too much and look too deep into things, but I've come to my own conclusions based on what I've seen from others. 

After the two listed above, next would be her family. I’m family oriented, as most, but I carry out my duties whether I want to or not simply because that’s how I am wired so this leads me down a path of being too picky. I have to be able to get along with her family and siblings. I know every family has their own problems but if her siblings or her parents have bad habits, I don’t think I can deal with it because once they’re the in-laws, it becomes unconditional to me just as the love for my wife. I am wired to be there to offer whatever I can and that’s where it’s a fault of my own. If I can avoid the situation, I try my best to because of this. I am still open to the idea that anything is possible though.

In the end, what ultimately matters is that I want someone that is honest, loyal, and trustworthy. I am only as good as the company that I keep.

5. How do you attract a partner? What types of things do you do to attract partners?

I honestly don't know how I attract a partner as I honestly don't ever TRY that hard to outside of the “Hi, I’m ....”. I just try to be myself. I'm not tall by any stretch of the imagination, but I am 5'-7-8" ish and girls like taller guys it seems. I do feel bad for the short guys. Girls tell me what they find attractive about me and I’ve been told it’s my height, voice, and how I carry myself.

To be completely honest, I like it when girls come to me. Call it insecurity or whatever you want, but I just don’t care for mind games and I know when someone wants something, nothing holds them back. You snooze, you lose. I’ve approached many and I’ve been shot down more times than I have succeeded. I blame this on the smaller head instead of the bigger head because I only want to have sex when it comes to me “chasing” at any kind of event. I’ve had women pursue me just as hard as I have pursued some so I get it.

6. What are the struggles with dating right now?

Social Media.

It helps but it also hurts. It’s so easy to cyber stalk now and form preconceived notions before really giving someone a chance. I don’t like adding girls to my Facebook when we initially meet because I feel only insecure girls feel that we have to be connected through Facebook before getting to know each other. I like getting a phone number and going from there.

Let me tell an embarrassing story on a dating site. I joined EastMeetEast (dating sites are so sexist [by the way]) and messaged this girl. Being Hmong, the first thing I asked was her last name since she didn’t list it. Being the dodo bird that I am, I listed mine and she told me she had the same last name. This is a total cop out for Hmong girls in situations like this. The kicker is that I messaged first but in order for me to see her reply, I have to pay. I paid and she had the same last name as me. My buddy was also on EastMeetEast so I had him go verify and she told him the same so I’m glad my sister was a honest one. Being Hmong means we have limitations to our pool if we REALLY want to be traditional. I know some break this rule now but I don’t as that’s how I was raised in this small town of mine. So in social media, if I am wanting to get with a girl and she already knows before hand, she can easily tell me the same BS to have me back off. It is what it is though.

7. What does it mean when you are "talking" to someone?

Is it safe to say this is like the “hanging out” vs “on a date” debate? Lol! I would say talking is the step before dating? If someone was to ask me if I was talking to anyone, I would say no even though I am depending on the person who is asking. For example, my family often asks me if I am talking to anyone and if I am, I tell them no. If a close friend is asking, I’ll say yes.

8. What's your definition of dating?

If two people have mutual interest in each, besides sex, and are pursuing a serious relationship physically, emotionally, and mentally.

9. What's your best date?

I don’t really have one that stands out but the ones that end with sex are usually the best. Just kidding. Most of them have been very spontaneous.

10. What's your worst date?

I don’t know if I would consider it a date but when I was younger, I met up with a girl and she made me walk behind her and her friend at July 4th (Freedom Festival in Minnesota). Cringe moment for sure.

11. Who in your past relationships (or even current) has made a big impression on you?

I can’t single this one out. What has made the biggest impression on me has been the horrible relationship and the wonderful one. The horrible one broke me out of my shell and had me be someone I wasn’t and didn’t like to be while the wonderful also broke me out of my shell but made me a better man. Both were learning experiences so I can’t really put one over the other. It goes back to balance and I wouldn’t take back either experiences as it only helps take my next relationship to a new level. I take all of my relationships seriously so it’s really unfair to the others but those two really stand out.

12. When you are dating, do you date for fun, for marriage, long term? Why?

It’s always for fun with the intention for marriage. I think the saying goes, “If you have to ask then...” lol! I don’t consider myself a “player” but if I am talking to multiple women and not committed to any of them because I am still testing the waters, is that a “player”? A “player” to me is a cheater or someone with no intention for the long haul and just “playing” around to get around. I always have the intention but if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t.

13. What are the different levels of a relationship?

Good sex, breakup sex, and makeup sex.

14. How important is it that your parents/family/friends like your girlfriend?

It’s equally as important as her liking my parents/family/friends. If there is tension, I will try to sort it out because I can’t stand having people I love at opposite ends. I know the people surrounding me are pretty easy to get along with so I don’t think it’s an issue. Perhaps I’m being too optimistic but it’s how strongly I feel about my situation.

15. How long before you introduce the person you're dating to your family, friends, etc.?

After sex. J/k. If I am completely serious about her, I would do it as soon as she’s comfortable with it.

16. How important is sex in a relationship? Please freely talk about sex and your experiences.

I know they say you have less/no sex after you’re married and have kids but from a single person’s point of view, it’s VERY important. It’s so important to me that it’s actually a deal breaker...now.

I find this as a very hard topic to deal with because of the negative stigma associated with having sex casually. Most girls don’t want to be labeled and men are guilty of labeling girls who enjoy sex so it bleeds into the dating world making vetting this part out so difficult. I don’t know why, but virgins are held with the highest regard to some and it blows my mind. Who wants an inexperienced partner? I ended being in a real short relationship with someone who told me she was virgin like it mattered to me and it actually sort of turned me off. I didn’t voice my opinion on it but looking back on it, I can see how it could’ve ended up badly. I mean imagine waiting until after marriage to find out your partner sucks! I don’t think I could personally handle that and I know it would more than likely lead me to being a cheater.

I’ve been into other races up until not too long ago because my belief was that they were better than Hmong women at sex. That was always the motivating factor behind that. I somehow ended up sleeping with a Hmong girl and she was just as good if not better than what I had experienced before and it made me rethink my delusional view. After that one though, all the rest have been horrible and the reason why I never went any further with those prospects. I don’t finish from BJ’s but getting it during sex is nice and the girls would just not do it. I was told they will never do it so that is a automatic deal breaker. Of course they want me to go down but won’t return the favor and then wonder why I only sleep with them and leave. I don’t ghost women after sex but I will pull away emotionally because I see sex as a emotional connection more than just a physical. A dead fish is like loving someone that doesn’t love you back. One could say maybe it’s because I suck but those experiences didn’t really leave me satisfied with myself. Even the other races enjoy me so I can’t put a finger on it if I’m the bad one or not. This could very well be because I am more of a pleaser.

In a perfect world, I would like to have sex before really diving into a full blown relationship to save time but I know it doesn’t work that way for most because some people need the emotional connection. I feel blessed enough to say I have enough resources of the opposite sex to talk freely about sex without being labeled a pervert. Having that type of conversation with the opposite sex is a totally different than having that conversation with your guys so I am thankful for it.

17. What other thoughts do you have on dating?

There are some who chase all their lives and then there are those who only get chased. Those that have never been on both sides of the road will never understand true love. To yearn for AND be yearned for is a bewildering experience.

Love is taking chances but it’s like no one really wants to take chances. I believe the reason behind that is because everyone wants their fantasy and giving someone a chance that doesn’t “fit” into their imaginary tale scares them. Selfish. I will openly admit I am guilty of that. I grew up on Disney movies and they always had that fairy tale ending so it’s what I strived for but I also know that I am not a perfect human being by any stretch of the imagination. Everyone believes they know what they want until it’s right in front of them. True story of the human race from my point of view.

We hope you enjoyed this story! To read the other stories in this series, click on the links below:

Dating Series: Nothing is Real

Dating Series: Marriage Is Not On My Mind

As always, thank you for reading. If you would like to share your dating stories, please email us at kaolee @ thestoryclothshop.com.

- The Story Cloth Shop Team