The Nyab Series: Teen Wives
For a long time, we've wondered how other nyabs (daughter-in-laws) felt. If you are a girl, then most likely you grew up with expectations and were raised to be a wife. A huge part of our culture identity as women were to become great wives someday. So as young girls, you were learning the duties of a homemaker. When we dreamed up The Story Cloth Shop, we wanted to hear what other people had to say. We wanted to allow fellow brothers and sisters to speak up and share how they truly felt. This series was birthed out of the desire to know and better understand how nyabs feel across the board.
Every nyab's experience is different. Because we are all collectively different and unique people, responses will be different as well. We did not include names to keep the identities of these young and brave nyab's confidential. What matters most is that they were open to sharing their own experiences and we want to share them here for you to know (if you're a nyab), that you're not alone.
This week, we share with you interviews we did with 2 young nyabs (teen wives). Maybe your response is alot like theirs or maybe not.
If you're a nyab, what have your experiences been like? Please contact us if you want to be included in The Nyab Series. We'd love to hear different perspectives and experiences.
Photographs credit to Hive Mind
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I agree with Ann. I married at 27, am very independent, whimsical, extroverted introvert. I had to fight for myself as well; I didn’t want to lose who I was/am just because I married a traditional Hmong man. It took many years of growing, learning, and compromising but I didn’t have to sacrifice my identity. It took ALOT of communicating for both my husband and in laws to understand who I am, why I am not giving up my life, why I do community work, why it’s important to have a support system other than my husband, etc. Sometimes they understand and sometimes they didn’t. Through it all – dinner is made, laundry is done, and weekends are for family events. Recently someone told me that I am a good Nyab and Nyab material. I stopped her and told her no, it’s not that I am Nyab material, this is who I have always been (a person always willing to help whether it’s friends, family, professionally, etc) and I happened to be a Nyab. I am not defined by this role nor do I do anything MORE extra to live up to being a good Nyab.
There is so much to say still but I will leave it as this for now.
I married at age 20 to my boyfriend of four years at the time. We just celebrated out 9th year wedding anniversary and we couldn’t be happier….but it took A LOT to be able to say that. I did not know who I was when I married him, but I knew that I was growing as an individual and that I was learning more and more about myself. Did I lose my identity when I married him. Absolutely! Not only did I lose my identity, I didn’t know who I was when I married him and my identity was being scripted to me by my husband and our cultural roles. I had to fight for who I am, what I value and what brings me joy. I say fight because who I am today is not the typical Hmong nyab and because I wasn’t typical and predictable, man did I face backlash. I am educated (Masters) and I am mindful to never use that privilege to make another person (especially a Hmong man) feel smaller than me. I am athletic; I run, I train with weights, I get aggressive in soccer, I get loud in volleyball, I wear tight clothes that show my curves and man did I have to fight for ME. I still come home and cook a nice tasty meal every single night for my family. I still care for my children, read to them every night and kiss them good night. I still take charge of the kitchen, sweep the floors and vacuum the carpets. I still provide for my husband’s needs at the end of a long day. I still contribute to the weekend parties; first to be there and last to leave. I didn’t want to be just my “husband’s wife.” I wanted to be me, my own self, and be able to say, “This is my name and I have a husband,” vs “I am my husband’s wife.” I am thankful for my husband’s flexibility, but it wasn’t always easy. We had to compromise A LOT and communicate A LOT MORE.
I would like to join in on this nyab series :)
I can also relate to the first story. Being a traditional Hmong wife comes with territory; meaning losing your self identity and allowing yourself to give unconditionally even if you are consistently being disrespected. You are often told, “Ua siab ntev.” Great series (and idea)!
Being a Hmong nyab is hard. Sometimes no matter what you say or do, it’s never good enough. There’s too many expectations. I do see that many in laws now a days aren’t as strict as in the past. I got married when I was 23 and still in college and have been married for 10 years. My best advise to all my Hmong sisters, don’t get married too young. Get a good job or go to college. Find a partner with the same goals and aspirations in life. Love and forgive each other’s families even if there are differences or you don’t get along. Never hold grudges. But most of all, love and support one another and never put each other down. Marriage is not a game but a life long relationship.